Hello, and welcome to the TF-COM sample facility, where we demonstrate the sort of top-shelf facilities and sharp, eager employees that will someday staff your secret bunker, hidden lair, or elaborately disguised industrial warehouse festooned with high explosives to eliminate evidence.
Laboratory
These are still laboratories, where research into new weapons technology is performed by the best and brightest we could afford. Word to the wise? Do not touch anything, because it turns out we spent most of our money on hats, so these guys were the best we could afford and they all seem pretty unstable. Holy--did you see that guy? He doesn't have a hand. There's just a horrifying metal claw. Hey, who wants to continue the tour elsewhere? Show of hands-I heard it as soon as I opened my mouth, so we're going to just leave.. No, no, it's cool, there, engineer. You guys are pretty busy.
Surgery
Do you ever look at one of your mercs and think "they could do with more high-end electronics needlessly stitched into their bodies"? Here, look at one. Notice how his torso isn't crisscrossed with terrifying scars? When I press this button, do you think his head will explode? No, it will not, and I think that is a shame. Really just... unpardonable. Build one of these facilities and start cramming all kinds of gadgets with blinking lights into these completely expendable, uninsured mercenaries like they're pinatas. War pinatas! Those are the best kind.
Crate Room
They say that if you leave enough money in one of these rooms, Old Nick will leave you crates full of guns, reindeer skeletons and orphan child laborers. Or it might be that Mann Co disposes of incriminating evidence through the convenient "incriminating evidence disposal chutes" we leave scattered around these compounds. Here comes one now! Haha, hide those war crimes in a place where Congress will never think to look for them: in the hands of your soldiers bravely fighting on a secret battlefield.
Upgrade Station
You can upgrade things here. Can't you read? It says "upgrades" right there on the sign.
Intel Rooms
Intel rooms replace satellite uplinks. Hire an industrial agent to spy on your enemies, and use the intel room to sort all their findings into easily stealable briefcases. Do not hire spies to spy on your enemies. They are not actually very good at it. We haven't convinced them that "spying" doesn't mean "murdering everyone and stealing everything not booby-trapped with explosives." and we think they killed the last guy we sent to teach them.
Basic Intel Room
This is your standard "just leaving the valuable intelligence objective laying unguarded on a table" intel room. I see there's a camera over there but I'm not entirely sure that it goes anywhere so... really, guys? This is our floor model? Nobody thought to get, like, a wall safe, maybe hang an attractive painting over it, really class the whole operation up? No? We're just going.... just leave it out there. No, no, it's fine. Not my department.
Intel Stockpile
For when your collection of intel has gotten genuinely unmanageable, build an Intel Stockpile! Staff it with some data analysts and they'll have all your enemy's secrets filed in unopenable airtight briefcases, piled haphazardly in the middle of a huge silo full of identical briefcases which bear no identifying marks of any kind and cannot be distinguished from one another in any way. To truly maximize their effectiveness, group storerooms together. I heard of one client who I cannot name, obviously, for the sake of professionalism, who grouped four of these babies together, and before he was murdered in cold blood by that suave secret agent his men were filling sealed briefcases with unreadable, possibly blank documents at an increase of 20% efficiency.
Turbine
It generates electricity, and it's important that you have your own, because have you seen the prices that those power companies charge? It's gravel-side robbery! Which, incidentally, is what we've been pouring into them for fuel. That's how they work, top Gravel Industry salesmen and business reps assure me. Great sense of humor on those guys. Always laughing and high-fiving each other.
Nucleus
Need some electricity? Tired of Gravel Industry salesman lording their high-five taunts and 100-carat gravel rings over you? Build a Nucleus! It generates up to three times more electricity than a turbine. Need a staging area for your exciting company-wide game of King of the Hill? Build a Nucleus and get the "Hill" Phase Reactor free of charge! Need a place to dump the bodies from your last company-wide game of King of the Hill? Build a Nucleus! We're not sure where the bottomless pit underneath the reactor goes, but we're reasonably confident that it's bottomless!
Front
Disguise your base with these handsome, hand-painted Fronts. Comes in Alpine Sawmill, Dustbowl Farm, and Innocent Hat Factory. Disguises can help reduce panic levels in your neighborhood and mitigate the threat of enemies trying to steal all your sweet, sweet intel. What, are we made of briefcases over here? Answer: no we are not.
Laboratory
These are still laboratories, where research into new weapons technology is performed by the best and brightest we could afford. Word to the wise? Do not touch anything, because it turns out we spent most of our money on hats, so these guys were the best we could afford and they all seem pretty unstable. Holy--did you see that guy? He doesn't have a hand. There's just a horrifying metal claw. Hey, who wants to continue the tour elsewhere? Show of hands-I heard it as soon as I opened my mouth, so we're going to just leave.. No, no, it's cool, there, engineer. You guys are pretty busy.
Surgery
Do you ever look at one of your mercs and think "they could do with more high-end electronics needlessly stitched into their bodies"? Here, look at one. Notice how his torso isn't crisscrossed with terrifying scars? When I press this button, do you think his head will explode? No, it will not, and I think that is a shame. Really just... unpardonable. Build one of these facilities and start cramming all kinds of gadgets with blinking lights into these completely expendable, uninsured mercenaries like they're pinatas. War pinatas! Those are the best kind.
They say that if you leave enough money in one of these rooms, Old Nick will leave you crates full of guns, reindeer skeletons and orphan child laborers. Or it might be that Mann Co disposes of incriminating evidence through the convenient "incriminating evidence disposal chutes" we leave scattered around these compounds. Here comes one now! Haha, hide those war crimes in a place where Congress will never think to look for them: in the hands of your soldiers bravely fighting on a secret battlefield.
Upgrade Station
You can upgrade things here. Can't you read? It says "upgrades" right there on the sign.
Intel RoomsIntel rooms replace satellite uplinks. Hire an industrial agent to spy on your enemies, and use the intel room to sort all their findings into easily stealable briefcases. Do not hire spies to spy on your enemies. They are not actually very good at it. We haven't convinced them that "spying" doesn't mean "murdering everyone and stealing everything not booby-trapped with explosives." and we think they killed the last guy we sent to teach them.
Basic Intel Room
This is your standard "just leaving the valuable intelligence objective laying unguarded on a table" intel room. I see there's a camera over there but I'm not entirely sure that it goes anywhere so... really, guys? This is our floor model? Nobody thought to get, like, a wall safe, maybe hang an attractive painting over it, really class the whole operation up? No? We're just going.... just leave it out there. No, no, it's fine. Not my department.
Intel Stockpile
For when your collection of intel has gotten genuinely unmanageable, build an Intel Stockpile! Staff it with some data analysts and they'll have all your enemy's secrets filed in unopenable airtight briefcases, piled haphazardly in the middle of a huge silo full of identical briefcases which bear no identifying marks of any kind and cannot be distinguished from one another in any way. To truly maximize their effectiveness, group storerooms together. I heard of one client who I cannot name, obviously, for the sake of professionalism, who grouped four of these babies together, and before he was murdered in cold blood by that suave secret agent his men were filling sealed briefcases with unreadable, possibly blank documents at an increase of 20% efficiency.
It generates electricity, and it's important that you have your own, because have you seen the prices that those power companies charge? It's gravel-side robbery! Which, incidentally, is what we've been pouring into them for fuel. That's how they work, top Gravel Industry salesmen and business reps assure me. Great sense of humor on those guys. Always laughing and high-fiving each other.
Nucleus
Need some electricity? Tired of Gravel Industry salesman lording their high-five taunts and 100-carat gravel rings over you? Build a Nucleus! It generates up to three times more electricity than a turbine. Need a staging area for your exciting company-wide game of King of the Hill? Build a Nucleus and get the "Hill" Phase Reactor free of charge! Need a place to dump the bodies from your last company-wide game of King of the Hill? Build a Nucleus! We're not sure where the bottomless pit underneath the reactor goes, but we're reasonably confident that it's bottomless!
Front
Disguise your base with these handsome, hand-painted Fronts. Comes in Alpine Sawmill, Dustbowl Farm, and Innocent Hat Factory. Disguises can help reduce panic levels in your neighborhood and mitigate the threat of enemies trying to steal all your sweet, sweet intel. What, are we made of briefcases over here? Answer: no we are not.
That concludes our tour of the facilities here at TF-COM, a wholly owned subsidiary of TF International and definitely not a shell company used by incompetent plutocrats to wage a private war and blow the hell out of all of your monuments. Please, take a flier. Tell your friends!
Best ever
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